A normal day in Guadalajara turned scary. There was a family that consist in two parents and 3 boys. One night the mom notice a little ball in her breast. She started to cry. Her husband arrived from working.
Peter: What’s wrong Jessica?
Jessica: I have a little ball in my breast I hope it is not breast cancer.
Peter: I am sure you are okay.
Jessica: ok.
The next day I saw my parents going out my house, but I did not know where.
My mom looked kind of worried.
Jessica and peter arrived to the doctor. They were talking about the ball and later the doctor said I have to make you some test. The doctor said when they were finished, I call you like in 3 days about the result of your test.
The phones starts to ring Paul answered the phone
Paul (middle kid): hello,
Doctor: hello is Jessica there?
Paul: yes
Paul puts his hand on the phone an he starts to call out Jessica.
Jessica tells Paul to give her the phone.
Jessica. Hello
Doctor: hey Jessica I have your the resultsof your test I am very sad to tell you that you have breast cancer.
Jessica(crying) what can we do?
Doctor: we are going to start a quimiotherapy we start in one week.
Jessica: ok bye.
Jessica calls peter
Jessica: Peter I have Brest cancer.
Peter: I am going home with you.
Peter arrives home, he goes to his room and he seated beside Jessica and starts to hug her. Jessica says we have to tell the kids, we cant hide this to them, they are going to started to ask us why I feel bad or why I get so tired or why my hair is going to fall down. Peter please tell the kids, I cant its to hard for me. 30 minutes pass.
Jessica: Its time to tell them, call the to come to our room.
Peter: Kids come to our room!!
My brothers and I arrived to the room an we saw are mom crying and our dad told us that she had breast cancer. We started to cry and they told us that everything is going to be al right.
Paul: Mom what is quimio therapy?
Peter: Quimio therapy is a theraphy of some quimicals that make the bad cells to die in this caese the cancer cells.
My mom started the quimio therapy and and one year later they did other test and the cancer desapered. The family lived happy ever after.
Pedro, You had a great idea for your story, but you must be aware of your tense in the story. In this case past tense, but I saw many mixed tenses while I was reading this short story. I noticed that you have many dialogue in your story, it is OK but you must check the past tense.
ResponderEliminarPedro, I think your story could and be better. You could make it extended and completed. What I’m trying to say is that you could have done a much better job because you lived this experience. You could had written and describe the fillings and emotions. Also you need to be aware of the tenses and some punctuation mistakes. One think I liked was your idea because it’s a pretty topic but I just think you didn’t accomplished what I expected. Pedro, I know you could have done an amazing job!! (=
ResponderEliminarPedro, I love your Story but you have some spelling and grammar mistakes. Your idea of the cancer thing was an awesome theme for your story. For the next time, it would be better if you do your homework calmly and not fast for going to kyte. Just kidding Pedro.
ResponderEliminarPedro :
ResponderEliminarI really enjoyed reading your story. Your theme was really interesting and catched my attention. I agree with Sebastian... you didn´t have any spelling errors, but verve tenses are something you need to fix. Again, your story was really enjoyable and interesting to continue reading, it catched my attention and i would read it 200 more times. Its really good. :)